We (1 part human, no part kobolds, 1 part trenchcoat) were performing routine evening rituals in Apartment 2B of the new warren (i.e. shouting at the TV and sorting mold by aggression level) when a terrible THUNK echoed through the street below.

Klik leapt under the couch cushion. Krak climbed the wall like a cursed squirrel. Klok, brave and majestic, grabbed one of the broken pieces of piping and prepared to defend our home. When nothing happened after a while, Krak peeked out the cracked window and declared:

“It is either a fallen surface god or an unripe microwave. We must retrieve it.”

The night was warm. The alley smelled like fried bread and popcorn butter. And there, nestled in a pile of discarded pizza menus, it sat: A plain box, etched with the glyph of the surface goddess – Amma Zone.

We dragged it inside using some “CONDEMNED” tape, extra sticky mold, and Klik’s nervous energy.

Once safely back inside our home, we have confirmed:

• The tough outer shell is just a shell hiding another shell.
• The shell inside is softer, white and tastes terrible – like a discarded plate Klik once tried to eat because it “smelled like pizza”.
• Inside there was a surface relic, shining the brightest silver.

Certain this is just an elaborate trap designed by the raccoons across the street, Klok began striking the relic when suddenly it opened, with a smooth action on a book-like seam, shining mystical light.

Klik whispered, “It’s a spellbook. A very angry spellbook.” The artifact opened fully along its central seam, revealing a glowing screen and a slab of square buttons. Krak attempted to press them all at once. The spellbook screamed. Krak was undeterred.

After several hours of pressing buttons and shouting at the book, we have managed to placate its anger by performing the ritual of “Connecting to WiFi”. This seemed to have calmed the relic enough and it started showing us incantations of the surface world, full of glyphs and images we still did not understand.

Krak immediately began trying to perform some conjuration while Klik was taking notes in the corner. Klok, meanwhile, took up his pipe again – “IN CASE SURFACE DEMONS COME”.

Technical Analysis:

• Visuals: Beautiful silver relic, clearly divine, possibly a boon of the surface goddess Amma Zone.
• Sound: SCREAMS WHEN UPSET.
• Atmosphere: A definite improvement to the warren’s overall mood. A proper shrine will appease the goddess.

Rat Tail Rating:

• Krak: 5/5 – Our surface relic hoard grows!
• Klok: 1/5 – DEMONS WILL COME EAT US IN OUR SLEEP
• Klik: 3/5 – The ritual of WiFi placated the book for now, but what if it demands… more?

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