We (one guy, one coat, zero kobolds) were in our Lair 2B when the TV box switched on by itself again. It was an unruly surface relic (it even scared Klok) – we had grown used to its occasional demands to “BUY NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST” but this was different. As though the entity possessing it knew that we shall soon face a dreaded warlock in mortal combat, images of surface warriors preparing for battle appeared. Not to look a gift cat in the mouth, we immediately gathered around to observe.

It began with an Iron Maiden shouting that it is time for a “warm-up” – boiling the siege oil and preparing the fire traps, we assumed – but instead she and her squires (all dressed in shiny uniform pink) began a slow march. Not wanting to argue with the entity, we began to march as well, to the sound of battle music far too cheery for battle. We made a note to investigate these battle hymns further another time.

After a period of marching (Klik was the best at marching, a fact he repeatedly pointed out) the Iron Maiden shifted to vicious kicking attacks combined with rapid arm swings. Klok tried to replicate the move using his trusty pipe and managed to shatter a floorboard “twelve times harder”. The Iron Maiden was pleased – as the splinters flew she shouted for Klok to “do just five more!”, which he did. We will never manage to collect all the fragments.

Once the kicks and strikes were mastered, the training moved on to some other peculiar surface martial arts: stepping up and down (Klok believes it to be training for literally crushing your enemies underfoot), jumping using a length of rope or lying face down on the ground and trying to push the earth away. We didn’t have a rope and we couldn’t push the earth as much as the Iron Maiden but we tried. She encouraged us. We were proud. Even Krak.

Eventually, after some more attempts at jumping, pushing the earth or “squatting”, the TV returned to its usual passive mood – although clearly still hinting at battle, this time it was shouting at us to buy knives that could be used to cut tin cans. We were unsure why we would need that – all of our tin cans were in a neat pile and weren’t looking too malicious.

In the end, Krak suggested that the Iron Maiden was a vision of how surface dwellers prepared for combat – which might be what’s expected at city hall. Not wanting to offend, we placed some extra-greasy ketchup packets around to show our gratitude.

Armed with this new knowledge, our battle at the hall of city shall be legendary!

Rat Tail Ratings:

• Krak: 5/5 – “The Iron Maiden has chosen us. Her wisdom is steel, like buns!”
• Klok: 5/5 – “TWELVE SPLINTERS OF VICTORY AND THEN FIVE MORE!”
• Klik: 5/5 – (Still trying to push the earth away)

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