We (a world-famous artist and not three kobolds in a trenchcoat squatting in a penthouse) have struck a bargain with the spirit inhabiting the TV – a conceited spirit, it only answers when its full name is invoked, but once appeased it seems this “Alexa” the Unseen will grant us any wish. Klok spoke of his desire for finest cheeses and within the hour a knock on the portal of our new lair lead to the discovery of a mighty metal dome, covering a wide selection of the foulest-smelling cheeses we have ever seen. Our eyes watering, we greedily consumed the bounty.

Krak, excited at the spirit’s generosity, exclaimed “Alexa! Show us forbidden knowledge! Cursed artifacts!”. For a moment, everything went quiet. We were scared that we had taken things too far. We prepared for the spirit’s rebuke. Then the lights dimmed, like the final sputter of a candle. The curtains closed, pulled together by forces unseen. Something started playing on the TV. It was The Monkey. It was hilarious.

Things start off simply enough: A man in a uniform is returning an item to a store – claiming it is cursed. The shopkeeper, foolishly, mocks the curse. “It is not cursed”, he says. The man insists. Pleads. The shopkeeper is adamant – “No Toy Returns” – he points to the sign. Then the relic awakens and takes offense – it is not a toy. The Monkey drums. A harpoon is fired, impaling the shopkeeper and wounding him fatally. We were enthralled. We must see more of this relic. We must learn more of its fateful drumming. Even as the man tries to incinerate it, we are not concerned. No true relic can be destroyed by something as mundane as fire.

The scene changes – the man is gone, instead two children locate the relic. Supposedly identical clutchmates, except one is strong and the other weak. Yet, together, they find the relic – unaware of its grisly past – tucked away at the bottom of a closet. Ignoring the ribbon of warding and the “Like Life” warning upon the box, they open it. They… play with it. “It is not a toy!” we shout at the TV but they proceed. The key is turned. The Monkey smiles.

Later, as the children are taken to a restaurant full of flame and rice, The Monkey strikes. A misplaced swing, a cook distracted by an amorous glance, their guardian and companion loses her head. It sizzles on the hot plate, ruining the rice. Klok craves cheese yet again. Krak stops him from conjuring more. “Not in front of The Monkey”, he whispers.

Again the children play with The Monkey – their rivalry escalates, one even wishing death upon the other as the key is turned. Our hearts coil in anticipation like The Monkey’s spring coils as it prepares to unleash doom. This time it is their mother who suffers the curse. We have never seen such poor handling of an artifact. Klik, especially, is shocked – not a single protective ketchup ward has been drawn yet. Will these surface dwellers never learn?

With no parents, the children are replanted at another branch of the family. The Monkey, of course, follows. Another rotation of the key and another death they finally realize the artifact must be contained – and then fail to do so. Instead of the proper rites they simple bundle it and throw it down a well. Klik’s derisive snort expresses all of our thoughts. We know The Monkey will come back, it’s just a matter of time.

Time flies and just as we predicted, The Monkey comes back. At first an aunt and then a series of random strangers all meet their deaths – a random girl jumping into a pool explodes by the will of the wind-up menace. The weaker sibling has grown into a weak man with a son who shows him no respect and a former wife that has replaced him with a far superior mate.

Meanwhile a whole series of unexplained deaths occurs – a woman is exploded by shotgun, other people meet their demise, as the family is close to a reunion. A thug attempts to steal The Monkey but suddenly there are wasps and in the end, at the climax of it all, somehow the weakest sibling and his weakest son manage to survive while many others do not. As the movie ends, at last we beheld a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

Rat Tail Ratings:

• Krak: 5/5 – “The relic knew its purpose and fulfilled it with precision. A true artifact of destruction.”
• Klok: 5/5 – “SO MUCH DEATH. SO MUCH DRUMMING. WE NEED A MONKEY.”
• Klik: 5/5 – (Currently sketching improved warding circles around the TV)

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