We (a normal movie-loving person who definitely isn’t just three kobolds in a trenchcoat attempting to pass as a surface-dweller) have mastered the sacred Relic of Amma Zone – a glowing, clack-click artifact that fell from a speeding surface cart and was clearly bestowed upon us by the goddess herself. Though the surface-dwellers call it a “laptop,” we know better: it is a divine scrying device, allowing us to witness distant events and, occasionally, suggest we buy more socks. Through its unblinking eye, we observed the tale of one Doctor Phibes, a surface noble whose abominable vengeance nearly rivals that of a kobold with a broken shinbone and a list of names.

Under Krak’s guidance we have observed the life of a particular surface-dweller – one “Doctor Phibes” (whose real name is apparently Vincent Price, very confusing). This Phibes, by surface-dweller standards, is “abominable”. By kobold standards he’s a true visionary.

Driven by vengeance over the untimely death of his mate-wife, Phibes enacts bloody murder on those responsible – not with crude weapons but with flair. With theme. The murders are so elaborate, the ritual so precise, they are worthy of a master engineer.

Vincent Price is glorious. His lips unmoving. His expression fixed in stern resolve. He conveys terror and menace through a machine like a nobleman who doesn’t wish to sully his voice against the ears of commoners. Krak, inspired, tried to do the same but could not find a funnel big enough to go over his head. The search continues.

As the murders progress and the vengeance of Phibes is unleashed upon those deserving, we were delighted at the brilliance of the traps. Of the many seen we have taken a special note of these and copied them into a trap journal for future reference:

• A plague of locusts, unleashed upon a sleeping woman, devour her down to her skull!
• A machine of ice, freezing a man solid inside his mechanical chariot!
• A brass unicorn, propelled to terminal velocity, IMPALES one of the villains!

Klik began construction of a unicorn cannon immediately. We stopped him before he could fire and destroy the remaining walls of lair 2B.

His labor done, Phibes seals himself and his beloved wife-mate in a sepulcher of brass and marble – but not before playing one final glorious dirge on the pipes of his organ. We have shed tears as the lid sealed and the lights dimmed.

Technical Analysis:

• Visuals: Perfection. From a beautiful marble lair to a hospital’s crawlspace.
• Sound: The voice of Phibes made us tremble with fear and excitement in equal measure.
• Atmosphere: Never grim, always captivating, with just the right amount of flying unicorn heads.

Rat Tail Rating:

• Krak: 5/5 – Some day, my voice shall also be carried by machine!
• Klok: 5/5 – THE LOCUSTS. THE LOCUSTS!
• Klik: 5/5 – (Diagram for unicorn-based weaponry included)

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